I'M WAITING.....

for one of my checks to arrive today. I may load up Boomer and drive up to my sister's for a while. she lives an hour away, but that's ok. it's a pretty day for a drive or a horse ride. if i don't go to jen's i'll ride shakota or jubilee.

billy was bitchy when he came in yesterday. had to work on the bathroom plumbing as it's backed up for some reason. did get the toilet going, but there's still something in the line that he's got to work camping on tomorrow. he was complaining about his kids. they're fighting among themselves and his youngest son, who was living bill's daughter, moved out of the house yesterday and in with his mother. they're fighting because brian wants to move his ditzy girlfriend back in after being broken up for a while. no one likes her. so he moved to his mom's. both boys and their respective girlfriends are living with their mom now.

i'm trying to get the guts to tell billy what i want to do with this platform ronnie started and never finished. it's the floor frame for a 20 X 20 shed. I want to move it and build a little resale shop. billy wants to make a workshop of it. it's MY floor anyway. dunno why telling billy what i want to do with it is such a scary prospect for me. i'm working on building up my nerve tho'.

billy's bitching carried over to boomer last night. i snapped at him & told him boomer wasn't doing anything & billy shut up. guess he realized he was going a bit overboard.

he keeps saying " I love you" to me, but i'm becoming reluctant to say it in return. I really don't think I love billy the way i should. It's going to break his heart if i have to tell him that. that eats at me a lot. it's not fair to him to live a lie. and it's not fair to me either.

how do i get myself in these messes?! i'm scared of being alone. i'm scared of confronting billy about my feelings.

if i don't go to jens i'll ride today at least. i rode jubilee in the gusty wind yesterday. most horses are terribly spooky in such wind. jubi did great tho'! even got her to side pass a few steps again. cant wait til she gets that footwork down. she's learning though. i made her walk through a ditch with water in it too. she fought me at first but finally realized she wouldn't die if her toes hit the water. lol. on the way back home we did it again and she walked right through it. i'm really proud of her. she's coming along very well.

mom's doing fine. i'm glad she's gone home tho. we talk every morning on the phone. at a distance works best for me.

well that's it for now.