WANTING BILLY TO LEAVE....

has been a prevalent thought in my head lately. i'm tired of the never ending headaches, complaints, & depressing outlook on things. He sais he's happy but he doesn't act happy. he hates his job, fitness his boss, can't cut the apron strings with his kids, etc. etc. etc. .
truth is, i'm still in love with ronnie. i'm not over him yet, and i find myself comparing billy to ronnie all the time and that's not fair to billy at all. i need to get over ronnie before moving forward.
i'm afraid of being alone though. there's so much i don't know how to do. & on disability, i don't know how i'll make it financially. there's not enough to pay my bills from my check each month. and i can't sale my horses. so starting a resale shop is about my only option.
no....i'm not over ronnie. sometimes i still imagine his walking through the door and telling me he still loves me. i shouldn't be doing that when i'm with billy. I'm angry that ronnie didn't fight for me in any way. he just gave up & walked out on me. no fight or nothing.
I need a man who loves horses as much as i do. i need to do something with my horses, competitively. something to keep my mind busy. I need to be spoiled and billy doesn't spoil me. he wants to be spoiled instead. it's just not working from my end. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't. i may go visit my sister & just get away for a while.
well, that's my tho'ts for now. til later. chow for now.

I'M WAITING.....

for one of my checks to arrive today. I may load up Boomer and drive up to my sister's for a while. she lives an hour away, but that's ok. it's a pretty day for a drive or a horse ride. if i don't go to jen's i'll ride shakota or jubilee.

billy was bitchy when he came in yesterday. had to work on the bathroom plumbing as it's backed up for some reason. did get the toilet going, but there's still something in the line that he's got to work camping on tomorrow. he was complaining about his kids. they're fighting among themselves and his youngest son, who was living bill's daughter, moved out of the house yesterday and in with his mother. they're fighting because brian wants to move his ditzy girlfriend back in after being broken up for a while. no one likes her. so he moved to his mom's. both boys and their respective girlfriends are living with their mom now.

i'm trying to get the guts to tell billy what i want to do with this platform ronnie started and never finished. it's the floor frame for a 20 X 20 shed. I want to move it and build a little resale shop. billy wants to make a workshop of it. it's MY floor anyway. dunno why telling billy what i want to do with it is such a scary prospect for me. i'm working on building up my nerve tho'.

billy's bitching carried over to boomer last night. i snapped at him & told him boomer wasn't doing anything & billy shut up. guess he realized he was going a bit overboard.

he keeps saying " I love you" to me, but i'm becoming reluctant to say it in return. I really don't think I love billy the way i should. It's going to break his heart if i have to tell him that. that eats at me a lot. it's not fair to him to live a lie. and it's not fair to me either.

how do i get myself in these messes?! i'm scared of being alone. i'm scared of confronting billy about my feelings.

if i don't go to jens i'll ride today at least. i rode jubilee in the gusty wind yesterday. most horses are terribly spooky in such wind. jubi did great tho'! even got her to side pass a few steps again. cant wait til she gets that footwork down. she's learning though. i made her walk through a ditch with water in it too. she fought me at first but finally realized she wouldn't die if her toes hit the water. lol. on the way back home we did it again and she walked right through it. i'm really proud of her. she's coming along very well.

mom's doing fine. i'm glad she's gone home tho. we talk every morning on the phone. at a distance works best for me.

well that's it for now.

I will wait for you forever

if you would just ask me.
I thought that I could change you, but you changed me.
but it doesn't feel right,holding someone else's hand,
together on phone lines, and living at two opposite ends,
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me but your head is elsewhere
and I'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see it's not so easy for me.

i thought being with mike would make me happy.
but now im not so sure he is everything i wanted. and
im so tired of being unhappy

i've always wondered what i would be like to have a father

anyone want to tell me if im missing something special ?