WANTING BILLY TO LEAVE....

has been a prevalent thought in my head lately. i'm tired of the never ending headaches, complaints, & depressing outlook on things. He sais he's happy but he doesn't act happy. he hates his job, fitness his boss, can't cut the apron strings with his kids, etc. etc. etc. .
truth is, i'm still in love with ronnie. i'm not over him yet, and i find myself comparing billy to ronnie all the time and that's not fair to billy at all. i need to get over ronnie before moving forward.
i'm afraid of being alone though. there's so much i don't know how to do. & on disability, i don't know how i'll make it financially. there's not enough to pay my bills from my check each month. and i can't sale my horses. so starting a resale shop is about my only option.
no....i'm not over ronnie. sometimes i still imagine his walking through the door and telling me he still loves me. i shouldn't be doing that when i'm with billy. I'm angry that ronnie didn't fight for me in any way. he just gave up & walked out on me. no fight or nothing.
I need a man who loves horses as much as i do. i need to do something with my horses, competitively. something to keep my mind busy. I need to be spoiled and billy doesn't spoil me. he wants to be spoiled instead. it's just not working from my end. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't. i may go visit my sister & just get away for a while.
well, that's my tho'ts for now. til later. chow for now.